Snatched from the Jaws of a B-Movie (The Meg review)

If you’ve ever wondered what a Sharknado quality film would look like if it cost $150 million, then The Meg is the film for you! While admittedly enjoyable, this appalling film drags all the post-Jaws troupes through the water, but leaves viewers dry.

It must be said that Jason Statham is utterly dreadful in this film. He is a British/American/Australian diver (depending on which accent he swaps to between scenes) and his character, with a couple of gratuitous topless scenes, is the world’s most boring male hero. Joining Statham are a whole host of familiar characters including: The nerdy Asian; the sassy black man; the punk rock female technician; the quirky billionaire and the white analyst who has one line and then never shows up again. The characters each embody one emotion, and throughout the film the script relies incredibly heavily on them each to deliver what is needed. If you like being force-fed exposition, then you’ll love this film. Every ounce of character development is crammed into the dialogue in a ham-fisted attempt to keep the viewers interested.

The dialogue in this film is fairly dreadful and features all the usual clichés. Statham’s adversary letting him know that he “might be a son of a bitch, but (he) ain’t no coward” marks a low point, but the script is littered with these familiar lines. The film also tries its hand at providing lighter moments, but almost all of the jokes fall completely flat. Throw in several obvious ‘Jaws’ rip-offs and you have just another cheesy action film that takes itself too seriously for its own good.

Matching the patchy script is equally patchy CGI. While some of the effects are pretty spectacular, others are clearly fake and are detrimental to the film. Just when you think you can try and start to accept the events of the film, a plastic looking sea creature will float past and remind you you’re watching ‘Megashark VS Giant Octopus’ on acid (it’s a real film, look it up).

Nothing about this film stands out as anything other than fine at best. Harry Gregson-Williams, a composer I admire, has created an incredibly dull score with no recognisable themes or melodies. The cinematography is plain and the editor crammed far too many attempted jump scares in, jarring the flow of the film dramatically.

This film really is a B movie in disguise. The performances are abysmal, the script is dire and the story is by the numbers. It’s enjoyable, it’s hilarious, and my god is it bad.

4 Stars

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